(This is a letter Pare wrote to his brother.)

Dear Ron,

I don't know if I ever passed on to you my Damascus road experience or not. The best test for claims of such experiences to see if it is of God or not, is how it lines up with the word of God. (Discerning of spirits) Some become offended when such things are told them (As I had experienced in the past) because of the mistaken idea that those who make such claims are trying to portray themselves as being super spiritual. The fact is, it has nothing to do with a person's spirituality or lack thereof. The last thing on Saul`s mind was an encounter with the living God or the expectation of such an event. The same held true with me. I've heard many people express the desire to have such an experience, thinking it would make a difference in their lives. This is not necessarily the case. Take Andy's miraculous healing for example, and other examples throughout the bible, like the Hebrew children. They experienced miracles by the hand of God on a daily basis and it didn't change their hearts one iota.

On the other hand, there are examples of many great men of God that have never had such an experience. (Billy Graham, for one, comes to mind.) The point being that God does whatever he chooses to whoever he chooses for reasons known only to him, and it has nothing to do with favoritism. Saul could have chosen to dismiss his encounter with God and continue on to persecute Christians. Of course, he chose to follow Christ and to tell others of his vision on the Damascus road, which was met with much hostility.

As long as I can remember, for some reason, all I can remember hearing in the various churches and church related activities in my childhood was how I was going to go to hell if I didn't clean up my life and quit sinning. I never once heard the gospel message of salvation. (I am sure that it was mentioned several times but Satan closed my eyes and ears.) I went through my entire youth terrified of dying and spending eternity in molten lava with God looking down on me and laughing. I believed there was nothing I could do about it and God was a hideous sadist that could not wait to see me burn. Jesus was a guy that lived a long time ago that some people crucified and he somehow came back to life. For what reason, I did not know. I never knew what any of that had to do with me.

All I knew was, Jesus was nice and some bad guys killed him, and God didn't even care. All I knew about Christianity was, if I was miserable long enough, perhaps this would please God enough to spare me going to hell. The problem was, I only liked the idea of going to heaven, (living with this god) a little bit more than going to hell. Given the choice of the two, (which both stank in my mind) my real preference was that there was no God, and when I died, there was nothing else beyond that.

So with all of the wisdom I could muster up, I tried to be a good little atheist. Life, the world around me, and the stars twinkling overhead every night, kept getting in the way of my preferred beliefs. Deep down I knew there was a God, and I also knew that someday I would have to face that fact. However, I was not going to accept it without a big battle, kicking and screaming all the way. Believing I knew all there was to know about Christianity, I had determined that it was bogus, so I had to seek other answers.

I believed in everything there is to believe in, at one time or another, for the next twenty years. Every god of every religion ended up being as bad or worse as the God of Christianity and it always ended up at the end of the same dead end, a hideous sadistic god. I then turned to the occult for answers, and after several terrifying experiences, I soon abandoned that idea. I learned something at that time however, for the first time I had to acknowledge that there was a spiritual realm, terrifying, but nonetheless, spiritual beings were out there. (What Satan intends for evil, God intends for good. Isn't it great how God turns the tables on Satan.) Now that I had that knowledge, it just caused more anxiety, confusion and questions about God than ever before.

I was desperately seeking answers and the truth when, bang, there it was, right in front of my face, "The Plain Truth" on the front of a magazine written by Herbert W. Armstrong and his "World Wide Church of God". (By the way, it is no longer a cult, the church has split since that time and the main body is now orthodox, praise God.) At last, the plain truth I had been seeking, a miracle from God. This was what I was searching for all of my life, it wasn't Christianity that was wrong, it was what I was taught about Christianity that was wrong. I delved into those books and the bible with the fervor of a bookie about to make his first million. Wow, I'm learning truths that only Herbert, myself, and a selected few others know about. But, in the end, there was that same hideous sadistic god glaring at me, waiting to send me to hell. I knew I could not obtain the perfection that was required of me and I was just kidding myself to think that I could.

Now I was at the dead end of all dead ends, I had tried all there is to try in the entire world. Zip, nothing, zero. Total confusion, despair and depression had now settled about my life, I was trapped with nowhere to go. Then to add to all of this, I had a 17 year old daughter that ran away with a bum 11 years her senior and had gotten married, a 16 year old at home with a child out of wedlock and going with a drug addict. Bankrupt with nothing but a pile of unpaid bills to show for 20 years of hard labor. Three ungrateful teenagers that were given a mission to pile up more debts and add to my misery with boyfriends and husbands with the same attitude.

There was only one way out for me, and that was to end my miserable existence. Whatever there was after this life could not possibly be worse than this life, and I was going to take that chance. With 22 rifle in hand and a box of shells, I found a deep draw on the land of the ranch we were renting at the time. Placing the loaded gun under my chin, with finger on the trigger, I cried out with one last gasp of desperation before I pushed the trigger. "God, if you are real, reveal yourself to me."

Fully expecting to have to blow my brains out, a calm fell over me. No voices or visions, just the awareness of this peaceful presence about me. I knew that something good was going to happen, I didn't know what, when, or where, but it didn't matter. I rose up and unloaded the gun and walked back to the house and never spoke a word to anyone.

The next day at work, I was introduced to a guy named Max. He was an electrician that the dog track contracted to do the electrical work for the new tote board and computer room. We had a deadline to meet, so Max and I worked side by side for the next several weeks. I was framing the walls and floors for all of the necessary wiring that needed to be done, trying to keep one pace in front of him. He was one of those obnoxious religious fanatics and I could not get away from him and he wouldn't shut up. I tried to expound all of my knowledge upon him in an effort to prove him wrong, but he kept firing back the answers, which of I had no comeback. I acted like I wasn't listening, but I would go home and check what he said with the bible. I would then dig up more questions to stump him with, but all to no avail. It was frustrating, so I just became my same old obnoxious self and resorted to insults. (that one always works.)

This went on for a couple of weeks until finally, Max quit discussing such things with me. Satisfied that I had won the argument, I picked up the bible to find more ammunition to fire at him. I started at Genesis 1:1 and after a few chapters, these words kept jumping off of the pages at me. "The Lord God" Suddenly, a surge of excitement rushed through me and I quickly turned to the four books of the gospel and their, the words "The Lord Jesus" kept jumping out at me as well. I must have flipped back and forth from Genesis to the gospels over and again for an hour.

"Could the Lord Jesus and the Lord God be the one and the same?" I thought to myself. This did not seem possible, it couldn't be possible, no one ever told me this. But if it is possible, why would God die and how could he die? Many things sped through my mind and the excitement mounted by the second. I rushed into the living room where Charlotte was watching TV and said, "I have to talk with you, lets go for a walk." I began talking to her about Jesus being God, and all of the implications if that were true, of how God loved us so much that he gave his life for us. I didn't understand it all, but I was excited about the prospects. We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about this and I could not wait to see Max.

The first thing I did when I arrived at work was to find Max. When I found him I said, "Max, I have to talk to you about something I found in the bible." Max was clearly not in the mood to go another round with me, but when I persisted, he reluctantly agreed to hear me out. We went to the lunch room and I took the bible out and said, " In Genesis, it says the Lord God and here in the new testament, is says the Lord Jesus." Max said, " So, what's the point? " I said, " The point is, Jesus is God." Max's eyes widened and he jumped up and yelled, " You got it."

What happened next is hard to explain and express in words, but the revelation of the vision was just as clear in my heart as the vision had to be to the Apostle Paul on the Damascus road. He had trouble explaining the actual experience, just as I do, but the message was crystal clear. The entire vision (That is what I will call it for lack of a better description) lasted for probably two to three seconds. Perhaps no time expired because in the presence of God, there is no time. Yet it seemed to last for eternity, which again it could have been for the same reason. I was aware of my presence in the lunch room but my presence was in the vision. (Figure that one out.) There was not a word spoken, yet the vision spoke volumes to my heart. (Figure that one out too.) In a flash, that moment of a twinkling of an eye, in that span of eternity, the answers I had sought for all my life were burned into my heart to never be forgotten.

The instant I declared Jesus as God and when Max confirmed that, I was in a dark, damp black pit. The walls were made of slick slimy mud and I was scratching, digging and clawing at the walls in desperation trying to climb up to the top of the pit where the light was shining. The distance from me to the light stretched out for all eternity. The light at the top of the pit also stretched from there to all eternity. (How could I see all of this? I don't know and cannot explain how it was possible.) At the same moment, I was shown every act that I did that I thought to be righteous, and each one was compared to God`s standard of righteousness. (Amazingly, not one thing that we consider sin (Drunkenness, sexual immorality, blasphemy, fighting, cursing, etc.) was shown to me. (There was a reason for this, which I will attempt to explain later)

The pit I was in was the tunnel to hell, literally. It was explained to me that the light was shinning from the throne room of God, and I was attempting to climb out of this pit by my own strength, and was struggling to obtain that height. I thought I was righteous and I was shown how utterly disgusting of a creature I was when God showed me the comparison. I became fully aware of my sinfulness and recognized the futility in even trying to climb to the top, even if the walls were dry and had hand and foot holds, it would have taken an eternity. It was shown to me that even if I were able to climb out of the pit, it would still take another eternity to climb the height of the light. The more I tried to gain ground on the slimy slick walls, the further I would slide down in the darkness, and the light became smaller and smaller. I knew where I was heading and when I realized that I was just at the point of being completely swallowed up in darkness, I cried out to God, "Save me." (I don't know if it was verbal or not. I don't think so because, after the vision, Max appeared to have no idea of what was happening.)

Years passed before I could write or tell anyone about this experience without breaking down in tears of joy and gratitude and being able to finish the story. Even now, 14 years later, I still get a lump in my throat when I tell the next part. Before I cried out for God to save me, and after He showed me how my righteousness was as filthy rags, and when I recognized the futility of trying to obtain God`s standard of righteousness, I had resigned myself to the fact that not only was I going to hell, but that I deserved to go to hell. No protesting, no excuses, no shaking my fist at God and cursing His name, just the acknowledgement that He alone is holy and righteous and that I was deserving of what was about to befall me.

Then, at the moment I said "Save me" there He was, Jesus standing at the top of the pit with outstretched hand, lifting me up out of the pit and ushering me into the very throne room of grace into God's presence. In an instant, I was given the knowledge of who Jesus is, why He died for me, why He had to die for me, why He had to be raised from the dead, and what it all meant. Then the vision was over and a flood of cleansing love (like electricity) rushed through my body from head to toe. I was then on the floor of the lunch room sobbing uncontrollably and Max was crying right along side of me. Hardly a word was spoken between us for about a full week. All we could do was look at each other and try to keep working while we would cry.

This is the reason I emphasize God's grace and that I know the futility of works before salvation or after salvation. I was lifted to the maximum height anyone can be lifted up to and nothing can be added to or be taken away from that. All who accept God's unconditional love and Grace can go no higher than what God lifts us up too. For some reason, this, which is the true gospel of Jesus Christ, is rejected in many of the churches. Although I cannot understand why, I believe that I know why. It is called pride.

Peter was confronted by God about his self-righteousness and was made aware of it in picture form as well. God lowered the sheet down from heaven with all manner of beasts and God told him to kill and eat. We all know the story from there. God told Peter, how dare you call unclean (unrighteous) what I call clean. (Righteous) Self-righteousness is pride, and it is pride that is at the root of all sins. That was why I was shown the comparison of my righteousness against God's standard of righteousness and the sin list was never brought up. Emphasizing the need to quit sinning only drives the sin inward to be covered up with self-righteousness, but it is still there because sin comes from the root problem, which is pride. If pride is taken out of the way, the sin is then taken away.

But here is the rub. Our very nature is corrupt and it will always be with us trying to drag us down. That nature was born from pride which started with Lucifer when Lucifer took credit for something that he had nothing to do with. God created Lucifer and all that he had was a gift from God. Lucifer had nothing to be proud about, but he began to think that his beauty and position was because of something he had done and that he earned it and he deserved more power and recognition for his achievements. Our "old man", or our "old nature", which is the "Pride of life", has been condemned to death, but the sentence will not be carried out until we receive our glorified bodies. Only then will we be totally free to follow our new natures, which God has placed within us. Until then, we will all continue to struggle with our natures and we all will always sin, stumble and fall over and again.

Does this mean then that we should just follow after our old nature and sin at will? Of course it doesn't, but it does mean that if we all acknowledge this in ourselves and know that everyone will continue to sin despite our greatest efforts, then we will be a lot kinder, gentler and compassionate towards each other. These are some of the works that will stand the test of fire, and even these works come as a gift from God, of which we cannot take credit for. Without God working in our lives, we aren't capable of doing these works of righteousness, the old man won't stand for it, pride wants to say I did it, I want the credit.

We have all come into contact with people in the churches that are struggling to become more spiritual and we know the results. We all have met the middle aged lady with the pursed lips, hair in a bun, glaring and condemning the promiscuous full-bodied young blond with the mini skirt on, who dared to darken the doors of the church. "Doesn't she know that only godly people are allowed in here." I am sure that the young lady can't wait to come back and learn more about the love of Jesus that was flowing from the bun haired woman. This attitude is the most prevalent in legalistic churches that emphasize holiness and ever growing spirituality.

Tons of books explaining how to become more spiritual and holy with easy to follow rules and regulations of do's and don'ts with guaranteed results. The only results that can come from this is the delusion that God is pleased with their efforts of self-righteousness and think they are near the top of the spiritual ladder. When they see something they don't approve of in a fellow Christian, one of the most popular phrases is, "You have fallen from grace, and you need to get right with God," when in fact it is themselves that have fallen from grace by forgetting (or not knowing) that salvation cannot come through self effort nor could it be maintained afterwards, even if that were the requirements of salvation.. This is what the Galatians were guilty of and Paul told them that they have fallen from grace when they had returned to legalism.

Here is an example of why legalism, or the emphasizing of good works after salvation is damaging to those in the church as well as to those outside of the church, and see if you don't agree. The pharisees wanted to stone an adulterous woman they caught "In the very act", (They must have been peeping Toms) yet in their hearts, they lusted after prostitutes themselves. They thought they were righteous in themselves and that they were better than her. The only reason they didn't openly fulfill their desires was the fear of being caught, then they would be exposed for what they were, hypocrites. Somehow they had the mistaken idea that as long as they only thought about having a prostitute and didn't actually carry it through, they were righteous. That was the reason for the public display of their righteous indignation, they wanted others to see how spiritual they were. It is the same way with us, we all desire the added rewards that our promised us for acts of righteousness we perform in this life, (Or good works if you prefer.) but if they are of the same type as the pharisees, they count for nothing.

After our works are tested by fire, we hope that most of it will come out as pure silver and gold and very little will be stubble that will be burned up. The only works that will stand the test of fire, are those that were done with the right motive. What is the right motive? It is anything that is in accordance with the seven fruits of the Spirit. Whatever we do, is it done out of love and do we do it with joy and do we have a peace about what we are doing? Do we exercise long-suffering and are we gentle and good in what we do? Do we do it with faith in meekness and with temperance? If we can say yes, then our rewards will be great. If we say no, then that is stubble.

The right motive can only come from God which enables us to do things with the right motive, and here again, it has nothing to do with us. We cannot obtain the fruits of the spirit by our own efforts. We can only allow God to display his nature through us so that others can see our good works and therefore see Jesus. Pride can have no part of such things, because in our corrupt nature, we want to claim these things for ourselves and flash it before others for all to see how spiritual we are. We are back to the pharisees. Jesus said, "he who is without sin, cast the first stone". I have heard many people say that all they want to be is more like Jesus, yet they are standing with the pharisees, stone in hand, ready to cast it at the adulterous.

Legalism comes in many forms and it drives people away who come to seek God, and it drives fellow Christians back into the world which is sometimes less brutal. Liberalism has nothing to offer either, but the end result is one and the same. Where are the churches that practice bearing each others burdens and grief? Where is confessing our faults to one another and lifting up and encouraging each other? What has happened to esteeming each other as being better than ourselves and being a servant to one another? What has happened to coming together in the bond of love and lifting up a fallen comrade and bringing him back to the fold without being judgmental and condemning? Aren't these all the things the bible teaches us to do? If you look at them, they all involve the fruits of the spirit. These are good works that will be pure gold and silver.

Today it seems that most prefer to bible bash and pass judgment in an attempt to appear spiritual. The way of the world is "The pride of life" and is based upon performance and worth. The best man gets to the top and the rest are dirt under my feet. Pride is the culprit, and has been from the beginning of time, and it is that prideful nature that God will destroy. (Man it is hard to get rid of, isn't it?) Pride is the thing that will not be in heaven because nothing but love will reign and love and pride are at the complete opposite ends of the universe.

The reason sins were not shown me in the vision is because, Jesus took the sins upon himself and died in my place. The list of sins have been taken away and are not the problem, it is the root of sin that has to die, which is pride. I don't know how to end this. It started out to be nothing more than a help for Kevin and it wound up being most of what I was going to send as a supplement (this is the condensed version) to my book. (minus the vision section). I guess what the real point to Kevin is that God accepts us the way we are and we don't have to become smarter or better before we can come into God's presence. God has already accepted us and all we need to do is accept his free gift and let Him do the work in us. It should be a comfort to know that the true gospel is a gospel of unconditional love and acceptance and is free of the world's way of performance and ability-based acceptance. (or should be anyway) Sent with my love, and may we all continue to grow in the grace of God. Ain't He great!

Doug